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Day 10: The one where I do a stand-up comedy night in a launderette dressed as a cheerleader

June 15, 2011

Note to self: if all else fails bring out the pom poms and do the splits

My last stand-up comedy gig didn’t go very well. In fact, it was so bad that not even my “easy” audience of family and friends could be convinced to laugh. Love was a big enough incentive to smile. It wasn’t even a big enough incentive to grimace. So I guess I’m on a journey to redeem that last gig where the claps were slow and the jokes even slower.

I chose a place called Brainwash to start my rehabilitation. It’s a launderette, with a stage and lots of roller derby players in the audience.

The compere introduced me just after uttering the lines “I’m going to piss on here with my period blood… X marks the spot.” I wasn’t shaking before I went on, but in retrospect I should’ve been.

I hadn’t prepared a set either. Nothing at all. I was going to write something, but an hour before the performance I got distracted by the smell of biqsue emanating from the pop-up food truck. 50 minute before the performance I was eating snails. 45 minutes before the performance I was practicing my cockney accent on the people sitting at the next table. 40 minutes before the performance I was vandalising a street corner and getting high off the fumes. 35 minutes before the performance I was eating a stranger’s whoopie pie. You can see that I wasn’t very focused.

So when it was my turn to go on, I just handed out my to-do list and asked nicely for help. It turns out lots of them were roller derby afficionados. And I wanted to know what the yee haw went on at a roller derby.

I still don’t fully understand, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that nobody pissed on me with period blood and the lovely roller derby gals Chesty Guillespie and Kimfectious said I could be an honorary cheerleader. Whoop.

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