The FA Cup and I: Dedicated to anyone who knows the offside rule

Iris and FA Cup in matching outfits: The FA Cup, tastefully decorated with sky blue satin ribbons by up and coming designers E-ON.

I’ve long been an advocate of the redistribution of dreams. Nothing proves this point better than yesterday’s stinging injustice.

You have to understand that football and I have nothing in common. I have the ball skills of Jake the Peg. I’ve never been to a match. I talk about football behind its back and whenever we’re in the same room, I make my excuses and leave.

But we have a few friends in common. They try and convince me that Football’s a beautiful game, that we just got off to a bad start, that it’s really nice when you get to know it. But I guess we just don’t gel.

So if football’s someone else’s dream, why should I, Iris Mansour, Head of Football Ignoramus International, be in the USA holding the FA Cup? I’m not here to usurp the dreams of teenage boys the UK over. I’m in the USA to be a cowgirl, be Dolly Parton, make a million, become a comic book hero and make my Americana wishlist come true

I’ve been on the other side and I know how much it hurts when someone tries on your dreams for size. Last year a friend from the US stumbled on a private concert with Take That. Sweet mother of GaryMarkJasonandHoward, she didn’t even know who Mark Owen was, let alone that his middle names are Patrick Anthony, or that his pet iguana is called Nirvana, or that an eleven year age difference would make their marriage impractical, so she should settle for his younger brother Daniel.

FA Cup posing under logo of unknown sponsor.

I just hope that the fates didn’t deliver my dream to the wrong address. If anyone was expecting a voucher to hold the FA Cup for their birthday, but got a blonde wig and the words to Jolene instead, please return to me.

And since there’s still no remedy for displaced luck, I’d like to dedicate this moment to anyone out there who knows the offside rule.

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